Are you hiding from yourself by keeping busy all the time?
- by Kerry O'Sullivan
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- 22 Mar, 2020
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Silence can seem so loud
I sang that in a song once and I really really felt it
I used to hate silence to the point where I never ever stopped
because when I did it made me feel so uncomfortable because my mind never shut up and I didn’t really want to hear it
It was deafening to me
I kept myself busy ALL of the time, filled my days with work, going out, having a million hobbies and on the surface I was happy but what I was really doing was running
Running away from myself
Running away from the pain I felt when I listened to me, even for a second
My body would go into complete panic
My heart beating in my throat
My head felt like it just wanted to scream
To hide under the duvet and just stop that noise
What it boiled down too was
I never really liked me, let alone loved who I was
I looked to everything else around me to make me feel good about myself
If I did lots for others that made me a good person
If I got up and went to the gym it meant I wasn’t lazy
If I had a good job, I did ok for myself
If I raise money for charity, that made me a good person
If I didn’t jump to the rescue for my friends and try and protect everyone, no one would love me
If I didn’t tick those things in my day to day, I felt rubbish and just constantly gave myself a hard time
You are fat, you are lazy
You are pathetic
You are not good enough
No one cares
Don’t stop or your world will crumble around you
About 8 years ago, I was sitting in a posh hotel in London with my life coach at the time, we were having a great session and I was saying how much I loved being busy, doing all the things I do and that I just had to keep going
She then asked me this:
What if I said this year you can’t raise money for charity? What if the gym was closed and you couldn’t go for the week and you had to spend time with you, how would you feel then?
My whole body went numb
I felt physically sick
I started to panic
OMG, not just me, without everything else, I was nothing
That was about 8 years ago, I wasn’t ready to hear that then and I don’t think I realised the impact of that question until now
I carried to run after that but I started to realise that I was running, I just thought that it was 'normal' before
I keep running for many many more years until life kept throwing me curve balls to stop and slow down
When I left my job 3.5 years ago, it was the first time I ever really experienced silence
My mind went crazy and everything came to the surface
I knew that it was time and I knew I couldn’t carry on anymore and that’s what started me on my path to awakening
This time in our lives we are being asked to stop, to spend time at home and to strip our lives back to ourselves and to stay in our homes and it’s made me realise how in the past this would have been my worst nightmare
I have changed so much
I would not have coped with this then, I would have gone into complete panic
But I feel so much more content in myself now and in my life and have spent the last few years really getting to know me, all of me
The parts I love but also the parts of me that sometimes just want to hide under the duvet and run away from because that's where your greatest growth is
The thing is whether we are listening or not, that stuff is always there, it affects our day to day, the way we feel, the way we think, the way we interact with others, our jobs. Everything we hold onto is still part of us, it’s just whether we chose to listen and acknowledge it or just to keep running
Are you ready to stop running?
I’ve had a mixed response from my latest post and I get it
If you’ve never heard of ‘energy work’ then you might think it’s unrealistic and not possible for the body to heal itself
I never knew there was another way
This conversation is a big one
There is so much conditioning around illness
Most of us do what we are told
Follow the process that the medical team tell you
There is nothing wrong with that
You do you
I’ve never really done as I’m told
I’ve never really followed the ‘norm’
I’m a bit outside the box
And I always will be
Connecting more deeply with my truth and my body has changed everything
My body leads the way now
And I’m so thankful for this
I sat there on the bed and the doctor told me there was nothing he could do
It was incurable and was something that I had to learn to live with
But it's a condition that would only get worse over time and the only way to stop it is to have a hysterectomy
I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis - a rare condition of the uterus that was super painful and made me bleed
I left feeling quite distressed and off I popped and joined a few support groups
Within a couple of days, I realised they were not for me, I didn't want this label and I didn't want it to be something that defined me
I knew it had to be energetic so I started to explore this
It was the midst of the memories of my sexual trauma coming back
Memories that had buried in my body for over 20 years
My uterus was reacting to the shame and the violation of my boundaries that I was processing and it made sense to me
I did the energy work and I continued to feel the emotions that were alive in me
No more suppression, no more shutting myself down
Feeling feeling feeling
Investing in myself and my healing journey
Six weeks later I went back for my check-up
I sat back on the bed for another internal scan
The doctor looked confused
He kept looking at the monitor
Then back at my notes
Then back at the monitor
And then he looked at me
It's gone he said looking surprised
It's gone
I said oh I know I've been doing so much energy work
Huh?
I tried to explain but I get it's not something that's really considered in the medical world
The thing is I truly believe and know from my own experiences (and this is one of many that I will share)
Is that conditions of the body are when the body is in dis ease
I believe that all conditions are linked to deep rooted trauma or suppressed emotion that is then trapped in the body
Which causes the disease
The body is communicating with you all the time and these signs are often ignored or masked/managed in some way, which can often feel like you are going around in circles
I have energetically cleared incurable conditions from myself
My clients have been set free from conditions they thought they had to live with forever
It's energy
And when you trust in your body's ability to heal itself anything is possible
The first step is to believe it can happen
If you have a long-term health condition or your body is in dis ease and are ready to explore another powerful way to heal the body, Jget in touch and I can tell you how I can work with you purely 121 or in my new 6-month journey
Big Love Beautiful Souls xx
In the last two years , I’ve had three people transition through me after they’ve died
I embodied the pain they’ve felt in this life so they can heal and be free to move into the light and it’s been the most overwhelming experiences of my life
When I’ve been in it, it’s taken over my body, I’ve screamed cried, spoken in their voices, been sick and been in bed for days
These are emotions that were squashed so fucking deep that they dared to tell a soul
The pain they never wanted to feel which caused Dis ease in the body and made them sick
Or pain that felt to much they took their own life because it was unbearable
I’ve been asking what does this have to do with my purpose here on this Planet?
It’s becoming clearer by the day
Too many of us are getting sick because of the emotions we are not expressing
Because of our deepest truths that we dare to admit
I don’t want you to bury the stuff that hurts because you think you can’t be free from it
What makes me so powerful, is I see what you can’t see
I see and the feel the pain that you can’t face on your own
I hold your hand and I show you how
I can hold you in whatever needs to be expressed
This is why I am here
What I do isn’t sexy but I work with sexual energy which is your life force energy, it’s what brought you into the world and keeps you alive and has so much potency to take you to another dimension
I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, It’s fucking hard but I promise you it will move with ease when you give it permission too
most people never go there
But it never goes, even in death
One day you’ll heal it so why wait?
And live your life embodying the truth of who you are and why you are here
If you are ready and this speaks to your soul
Know that I’m here for it all
I’m fucking powerful and I am here to show you how to really step into the person you were born to be
Last week, in the midst of lovemaking, I asked for it to stop
For Mark to stop touching me
It took me a while to find the words
I had gone from being deep in pleasure with my man
To being taken back to a time in my life when I was being abused
But that was pleasurable too
So much shame was arising in me
To acknowledge that my abuser was giving me pleasure
I knew something didn’t feel right, I wasn’t allowed to speak
I was confused how something could feel good but also feel so scary
I cried for my little girl that had no idea she was being taken advantage of
She thought that was love
And she craved love so much, to be noticed
I cried for my body that had held on to this shame for so many years
I cried because I knew something wasn’t right
I asked Mark to hold me and tell me I was safe
I know what I need now
I surrender into what the body is asking for
The body is so powerful and knows exactly what it needs, if you listen
I squashed down these feelings so often in my life
So many times in the past, I told that part of me to be quiet
I thought that silencing myself was healing me
Because the thought of feeling the pain felt too much
My little girl isn’t silenced anymore
I give her space to speak
I let her process whatever she wants
Even if it’s not at the most 'convenient' times
It’s when she is ready
My little girl is sending love to your little girl
I see you
I feel you
I love you
I'm holding you close
The Embodiment of my truth hasn't been easy, It continues to shake me to my core
It’s taken me to depths of myself that I never knew
I've wished that I was numb again
I've hurt those I love
But knew I had to follow what is true
I'm done with being the person that others say I should be
I'm done with fitting the mould
I'm done with just making do
I am here to embody my truth
And live the life that I was born too
Will this be painful and messy? YES
Will it be pleasurable? FUCK YES
Will it make me feel ALIVE and make the most of every fucking day on this planet? YES YES YES
Embodying your truth is a choice
It’s not for everyone
Some choose to run from the truth
And others choose to lean in and discover more of themselves
If you are done playing small and ready to dance with power and light that is beyond the comprehension of what you know now
Email me, my new 6-month container may just be what you are looking for
Not sure if you realised but I’m a woman on a mission to change the fucking world?
To lift the vibration of this planet to another level!
This week I came back fully into my body again … I’ve been in a fog for a while but now I know why..
Because my fucking goodness do I have some magical work to do
I have been in labour all week - birthing soooo much through my being
I can feel the shift
It’s pulsating through every cell of my body
Can you see how excited I am?!
Watch this space beauties - did I mention I’m a woman on a mission to change the fucking world?
One of the biggest AHAS that I’ve had since my 3am wake up is:
GET YOUR BUTT ON MORE STAGES! YOU WERE BORN FOR IT!!
I LOVE to take beautiful beings on a journey
To let the BODY lead the way and
EMBODY what is alive in them even if it feels uncomfortable
That is where the MAGIC is
To step into their POWER of who they are really are
To LIVE In TRUTH - unapologetically
I love to do this LIVE and I’m on a mission to get on more stages this year because my goodness do I give a good show
So whether it’s running a rage ritual, $exual energy activation or a power ritual
Part of my MAGIC is I know what people need to hear, I don’t need to prep, I FEEL it
I’m BORN for the stage darlings, BORN FOR IT and the people that experience my magic
Will NEVER forget me and it will change their life forever
I would love you to hit me up with any organisers or stages you think may LOVE some of the magic darlings
Pic is me at latitude … my goodness that was a powerful weekend of adapting to a new audience but they were blown away!
My journey to Goa was at the beginning of the world going crazy and after cancelled planes and mayhem, I arrived late for my journey to master my pleasure
I’d woken up my sexual energy and been on a crazy journey exploring this but I knew I was holding back in my own pleasure, I was afraid of my power, of what was possible within me
Like with all week-long containers I attend, it was edgy and I’d had a banging headache that wouldn’t budge and was driving me crazy.
I did an embodiment practice connecting to my energy body and moving energy through, I started to shake, my head started to move frantically from side to side and I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I could see it so clearly, I was being held down and I was being raped, all I could see were faces flashing up in my eyes as I moved the trauma through my body
I’d experienced something like this before in my own journey but I knew this wasn’t mine
Then all of a sudden, I felt my back arch and I rose from my body and saw myself connecting into the light, to consciousness
I remember feeling this sense of peace all over my body as I felt the light beam in to me
Then I came back to the room, I couldn’t really make sense of what happened and it took a while for me to feel fully in my body - I wasn’t really back for some time
That night, I couldn’t sleep and as I tossed and turned, I felt a presence in the room, I thought I must be dreaming and then I was told very clearly
This isn’t just about you
It’s for the women that never had a voice
All those that came before you
That never had the power to heal from their trauma and the times their No wasn’t heard
You are doing it for them too
On the days where I want to run away
I remind myself of this day
I remind myself of the power I have to heal myself and the collective, both here and those that have past
Sometimes it feels like a huge responsibility but it’s why I show up
It’s always bigger then you … always
It took me a while to integrate what happened in Goa, it was the first time, I realized that I was part of something greater than me and I’m sharing with you because I want you to know that too
To be Continued….
I’d woken up my sexual energy and been on a crazy journey exploring this but I knew I was holding back in my own pleasure, I was afraid of my power, of what was possible within me
Like with all week-long containers I attend, it was edgy and I’d had a banging headache that wouldn’t budge and was driving me crazy.
I did an embodiment practice connecting to my energy body and moving energy through, I started to shake, my head started to move frantically from side to side and I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I could see it so clearly, I was being held down and I was being raped, all I could see were faces flashing up in my eyes as I moved the trauma through my body
I’d experienced something like this before in my own journey but I knew this wasn’t mine
Then all of a sudden, I felt my back arch and I rose from my body and saw myself connecting into the light, to consciousness
I remember feeling this sense of peace all over my body as I felt the light beam in to me
Then I came back to the room, I couldn’t really make sense of what happened and it took a while for me to feel fully in my body - I wasn’t really back for some time
That night, I couldn’t sleep and as I tossed and turned, I felt a presence in the room, I thought I must be dreaming and then I was told very clearly
This isn’t just about you
It’s for the women that never had a voice
All those that came before you
That never had the power to heal from their trauma and the times their No wasn’t heard
You are doing it for them too
On the days where I want to run away
I remind myself of this day
I remind myself of the power I have to heal myself and the collective, both here and those that have past
Sometimes it feels like a huge responsibility but it’s why I show up
It’s always bigger then you … always
It took me a while to integrate what happened in Goa, it was the first time, I realized that I was part of something greater than me and I’m sharing with you because I want you to know that too
To be Continued….
When I was little, my mum used to tell me a lot that I was special
She used to share with me the stories of her own spiritual journey and that I had guides and angels watching over me
I used to raise my eyebrows and honestly thought she was a bit doolally
I knew before I arrived in the world that my mum had experienced some miscarriages, she remembers the night I was conceived so clearly
She felt herself rise from the bed, seeing herself below, she felt the hand of something on her shoulder but she was too scared to look around.
The voice told her not to worry and that everything would be ok now
She found out she was pregnant a few weeks later
Another story she shared was when she was 8 months pregnant, whilst making dinner, she slipped on some water in the kitchen and as she fell, she grabbed the oven and as it fell towards her, the pan of boiling potatoes slid to the back of oven
Another time, at the traffic lights whilst taking me to school, the lights turned red and just as she was about to cross, a voice told her to pull me back, just as a motorbike sped through the red light
So many things like this happened in my childhood and my mum said she always knew I’d be a spiritual soul and my angels were always looking out for me
I never understood or wanted to accept that I was spiritual until the last few years, I think it really began when I experienced my own out-of-body experience
This happened in 2020 during a retreat in Goa and it was an experience that I will never forget and it was the catalyst for a HUGE ascension into the spiritual world.
To be Continued…
She used to share with me the stories of her own spiritual journey and that I had guides and angels watching over me
I used to raise my eyebrows and honestly thought she was a bit doolally
I knew before I arrived in the world that my mum had experienced some miscarriages, she remembers the night I was conceived so clearly
She felt herself rise from the bed, seeing herself below, she felt the hand of something on her shoulder but she was too scared to look around.
The voice told her not to worry and that everything would be ok now
She found out she was pregnant a few weeks later
Another story she shared was when she was 8 months pregnant, whilst making dinner, she slipped on some water in the kitchen and as she fell, she grabbed the oven and as it fell towards her, the pan of boiling potatoes slid to the back of oven
Another time, at the traffic lights whilst taking me to school, the lights turned red and just as she was about to cross, a voice told her to pull me back, just as a motorbike sped through the red light
So many things like this happened in my childhood and my mum said she always knew I’d be a spiritual soul and my angels were always looking out for me
I never understood or wanted to accept that I was spiritual until the last few years, I think it really began when I experienced my own out-of-body experience
This happened in 2020 during a retreat in Goa and it was an experience that I will never forget and it was the catalyst for a HUGE ascension into the spiritual world.
To be Continued…
The hours that followed the spiritualist church were a whirlwind
I had so many messages to share, that I definitely wasn’t present at Mark’s friend’s party and spent most of the time on the phone
In the past, I always told myself that mediums and psychics were con artists and that they never really knew anything, they just picked up on things you said
On that day, I purposely tried to say nothing but it didn’t matter because everything she was saying didn’t make sense to me
But after, when I delivered the messages, it made more sense
I just kept saying OMG, this must be true
You cannot deny this Kerry
This isn’t something she made up
OMG, There must be a life after this one
I always thought how can there be a god if so many people I loved were taken so young
But in that moment I realised there maybe there was more after this life, that the spirits and angels my mums always told me about did exist
This was just over 6 years ago…
I thought that was the start of my deepest spiritual journey, turns out it started the night I was conceived
To be continued… there is so much more to come
I had so many messages to share, that I definitely wasn’t present at Mark’s friend’s party and spent most of the time on the phone
In the past, I always told myself that mediums and psychics were con artists and that they never really knew anything, they just picked up on things you said
On that day, I purposely tried to say nothing but it didn’t matter because everything she was saying didn’t make sense to me
But after, when I delivered the messages, it made more sense
I just kept saying OMG, this must be true
You cannot deny this Kerry
This isn’t something she made up
OMG, There must be a life after this one
I always thought how can there be a god if so many people I loved were taken so young
But in that moment I realised there maybe there was more after this life, that the spirits and angels my mums always told me about did exist
This was just over 6 years ago…
I thought that was the start of my deepest spiritual journey, turns out it started the night I was conceived
To be continued… there is so much more to come
