I have always struggled with Christmas

I’m sitting here on Christmas Eve and I have a similar feeling come over me, I feel a bit sad and I feel emotional and it’s something that I feel every year. Don’t get me wrong, I have thrown myself into Christmas parties and preparation with the kids but underneath all that, I still feel like this. I have the tools to work on it but for today, I am going to just be. I will do the work and to be honest, just writing this blog is really helping me understand why I feel like this.
When I was growing up, Christmas was a mixture to be honest. My mum worked so hard so we had presents to open, I know she used to scout the charity shops to give us what she could afford and we really felt lucky, we had so much, it may not have been the designer coats that everyone else had or the latest games but we were so loved and we had so much to be thankful for. I still remember my mums face at Christmas and seeing the relief on her face when she saw the delight in our faces. In our bubble, I felt so thankful but I always remember feeling sad when we met up with our friends and saw what they had and I just wished that one day I could show off my stuff with pride to everyone. Little did I know then, how lucky I was to have anything.
For the last 10 years, I have helped the homeless at Christmas, for me it has always been a part of me, I always love to give back but to work with the homeless, holds a special place in my heart. The people I have met over the years are homeless because of a variety of reasons and they all have emotional stories to tell and they are just people like you and me, they may have lost their job, had a marriage break down, so many reasons and it could happen to any of us. There are people out there every day and not just at Christmas that only have the clothes they wear and a few belongings.
Working with the homeless especially at the time of the year where there is so much excess, really makes me realise how lucky I am. Maybe there is some guilt somewhere that I once felt jealous of my friends when my mum had worked so hard, who knows I just know at this time of year, I feel like I need to balance the excess with giving back.
This year, I decided that I wouldn’t do Crisis at Christmas and it was mainly due to all the red tape there is now, I volunteer for a day and sometimes I may only get to give treatments for 4 hours after all the travelling and briefings etc and thought I would find somewhere locally instead so I give more of my time to make a difference.
I have contacted three charities over the last month, two homeless charities in Maidstone and a refuge in Medway and at the moment, nothing has materialised so I’ll probably go to the dementia home for now until I hear as I love the difference I make there. I can’t not give back at Christmas, but why is that?
I have done so much work around receiving love and I am getting so good at it but I think it’s just the amount of gifts you get and all the food there is, excess everywhere and people are panicking they may run out of food because the shops are closed for one day. I can’t help but think about all the people in the world that don’t have anything, those that are spending Christmas without their loved ones. Sometimes, I feel like I can really feel their pain and it takes my breath away.
I feel better for just expressing how I feel today and honouring it. I know next year, I am going to be part of something that will make a real difference at Christmas and this year, I will be open to what comes.
For me, Christmas is all about spreading love and joy and spending time with the people that matter in my life and I will remind myself how precious that is. After losing beautiful friends in my life, I really do feel blessed to be here and be healthy and I will surrender to that feeling.
Be blessed with all you have and all the people that surround you this Christmas but if you find it tough like I do, know that it’s ok too and acknowledge it as it feels so much better when you can just say how you feel.
Sending lots of love to you all. xx









